Final Europe trip, Post 9: How to get out of a carpark in Paris in 48 simple steps...

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a “simple steps” post, but I thought it was appropriate for this particular story: the long awaited (for some) carpark saga!

Step 1: From the Arc de Triomphe, take last metro of the night back to where car is parked at La Défense. Note time is 1am.

Step 2: Arrive at La Défense and set off to find entrance of shopping centre that leads to underground carpark.

Step 3: Notice presence of construction workers and work in progress around outside of shopping centre under which car is parked.

Step 4: Notice lack of construction works around every other shopping centre in the enormous shopping precinct that is La Défense.

Step 5: Arrive at entrance of shopping centre and observe door is firmly locked.

Step 6: Calmly decide to locate another carpark entrance that doesn’t require shopping centre access first.

Step 7: Walk around shopping centre to next carpark ramp. Observe large metal grille preventing entry by human-sized objects.

Step 8: Repeat Step 7.

Step 9: Repeat Step 8.

Step 10: Repeat Step 9.

Step 11: Notice all other shopping centres in area – those without construction works – have 24 hour carparks that appear open and welcoming. Feel slightly alarmed.

Step 12: Retrace steps and spot several taxi drivers chatting together beside their cars. Show carpark ticket to taxi drivers and try to explain dilemma.

Step 13: Receive instruction from one taxi driver, who can speak basic English, to take ticket to a nearby booth.

Step 14: Hesitate because booth is pitch dark.

Step 15: Get taken over to booth by exasperated taxi driver, who raps sharply on booth window. Observe sudden appearance of light and newly-awakened booth attendant. Taxi driver walks off.

Step 16: Show carpark ticket to booth attendant, who doesn’t know any English but says “sécurité” and motions back towards the shopping centre.

Step 17: Approach shopping centre entrance and see two security guards doing their rounds inside. Reach door too late to catch their attention as they have already disappeared through a side door. Knock uselessly on entrance door for a while.

Step 18: Confer with fellow travellers as to best course of action.

Step 19: Search unsuccessfully for security office.

Step 20: Decide to go back to taxi drivers.

Step 21: Tell taxi drivers that booth attendant said to go to security. Ask where security is. Taxi drivers point to booth and say: “he IS security”!!!

Step 22: Hmm.

Step 23: Decide to look for road entrance through which car entered carpark 16 hours earlier.

Step 24: Find entrance. Observe large metal grille preventing weary travellers from reaching poor car.

Step 25: Spot A4 sign at entrance containing French text and a phone number. Call number.

Step 26: Talk on phone to person who can speak English and says to ring intercom button beside grille.

Step 27: Ring intercom button.

Step 28: Repeat Step 27.

Step 29: Repeat Step 28.

Step 30: Eventually hear French words come from speaker. (Later suspect this is Snoozy Snoozerson from aforementioned booth.)

Step 31: Ask: “Parlez-vous anglais?” (Do you speak English?) Receive reply: “Non”.

Step 32: Hmm.

Step 33: Recite name of carpark (CNIT) into intercom. Try to say “entrance 4” with French accent in case their word for “entrance” sounds similar, and using French word for “four” as found in Lonely Planet phrasebook. Try speaking German in hope of establishing a common language. Receive instructions (or perhaps are told where to go…?) in French. Say repeatedly “Je ne comprends pas” (I don’t understand).

Step 34: Wait awhile in hope of having carpark attendant arrive to open grille. Realise this is not going to happen.

Step 36: Open Lonely Planet phrasebook to “Emergencies” section.

Step 37: Discover Lonely Planet editors have omitted vital phrase of “My car is locked in the carpark”.

Step 38: Settle instead for French word for “help”, and memorise phonetic pronounciation of it: “oh skoor”. (Later realise French spelling is “au secours” and may have thus been meant to sound much gentler than our rendition of it did.)

Step 39: Ring intercom again.

Step 40: Recite into intercom: “oh skoor! oh skoor!” Receive reply in French. Respond with “Je ne comprends pas”. Continue this informative conversation in like manner.

Step 41: Realise literal translation of conversation is “Help! Help! I don’t understand… Help! Help! I don’t understand…”

Step 42: All three girls laugh hysterically as a result of above realisation, general bizarreness of situation, and it now being after 2am after a very big day in Paris. Realise hysterical laughter now means intercom person thinks he is dealing with drunk tourists playing a prank and so he will never help us now...

Step 43: Girls decide to go up to shopping centre entrance and ring Hilton intercom, as Hilton carpark is also under same shopping centre. Boys decide to stay put in case someone arrives to open grille.

Step 44: Girls ring Hilton intercom. Clerk answers in a French accent, “do you have a reservation?” Slow-thinking self asks “Parlez-vous anglais?” (Do you speak English?) Hilton clerk responds with “I said… do you have a reservation?”

Step 45: Oh. Durrr.

Step 46: Carry on discussion with very helpful Hilton clerk as to what to say in French into intercom at carpark entrance in order to obtain access to car.

Step 47: During conversation with Hilton clerk, receive phone call from boys, who explain they are currently driving out of carpark in dear sweet wonderful car!!!!!

Step 48: Get collected by boys and hear explanation of how car was found… It involves a search for a tree further up the street resulting in the discovery of an open carpark entrance around the next corner… It also involves walking through the pitch dark carpark entrance by mobile phone light, until entering the main carpark area and having a giant Alsation suddenly bear down upon them with much bwooofing and galumphing… And a thankfully quick-waking security guard who called off his dog, looked at the carpark ticket and waved the boys through… Whereupon they quickly located the car, paid the normal day rate carpark fee, collected us, and finally set off on the hour-long journey back to the B&B.

And so, we arrived home at 3:30am on Wednesday morning… only to discover… we had been locked out………