How to get a BC driver's licence in 30 simple steps

1. Visit Queensland Transport in November 2010 to obtain Traffic History Report as requested by ICBC, the driver licencing authority in BC.

2. Have Qld driver's licence stolen from car in December 2010, thus foregoing the ability to hand it over to ICBC in exchange for a BC driver's licence (a fairly new and thoroughly sensible rule... as opposed to the previous rule of having to pass a driving test in order to get a BC licence!).

3. Obtain new Canadian work permit in February 2011. Now have the required 6+ months remaining on work permit allowing one to apply for a BC licence, but do not have Qld licence to hand over.

4. Discover that the process to replace a stolen Qld licence while overseas is extremely onerous. Put entire process in "can't be bothered" basket for 5 months and enjoy being chauffeured around by husband.

5. After husband successfully hands over Qld licence to obtain BC licence in May 2011, and is told by ICBC that a stolen Qld licence should not be a problem, eventually decide to pursue BC licence acquisition process again.

6. In July 2011, visit an ICBC office to make enquiries into whether Traffic History Report from November is now too old, and whether stolen Qld licence will cause a problem. Receive confirmation that these matters will not be an issue.

7. Return to ICBC office with documents (passport with work permit, Traffic History Report, photocopy of stolen Qld licence), only to be told that Traffic History Report is not satisfactory as it does not state original date Qld licence was issued.

8. Get shown faxed documents from various Australian and New Zealand licencing authorities and told to get Queensland Transport to fax a document that states original date licence was issued. Advise Customer Service Representative that husband did not require this in order to obtain his BC licence.

9. Go away with piece of paper containing ICBC's "Proving your driving experience" requirements.

10. Read "Proving your driving experience" document. Observe document states that at least 2 years of driving experience must be proven. Note that document also states that if using a Traffic History Report, and one's licence has recently been renewed, the report may not prove that one has been driving for more than 2 years.

11. Note that one's own Traffic History Report goes back to 2005 and clearly shows that one has been driving for at least 6 years, albeit without stating exactly when one did start driving.

12. Return to ICBC office a third time in the hope of getting a different Customer Service Representative who will give a different answer. Point out abovementioned 2 year requirement and present convincing argument.

13. Leave office empty handed.

14. In August 2011, go to a different ICBC office - the one that issued husband's BC licence - and try again. Finally receive information that makes sense: as one does not have a Qld licence to hand in, one must provide a document from Queensland Transport that states original date licence was issued, any upgrades made, and type of licence held. Document must either be faxed directly to ICBC by Queensland Transport, or be given to ICBC still in a sealed QT envelope.

15. Phone Queensland Transport from Canada to ascertain what the correct document is called (evidently not a Traffic History Report); determine Evidence of Identity requirements when applying from overseas and not in possession of physical Qld licence; and ask whether a contact in Australia can obtain the document on one's behalf.

16. Spend 50.5 minutes on the phone with QT. Discover that correct document is called Driver Licence Details; EOI requirements include passport, Medicare card, and bank card - all certified as genuine copies of the original by the Canadian equivalent of a JP; and that a contact in Australia cannot obtain the document via QT's Release of Information form. This is because one must be contactable during business hours to verify one's request, but "our customer service centres aren't prepared to call overseas"! Discover this latter point towards the end of 50.5 minute phone call.

17. Re-confirm all elements of process with one requesting one's own information via a faxed ROI form; including an additional letter stating particular requirements and requesting that the document be faxed directly to ICBC; and having the fee paid to QT by a contact in Australia prior to QT receiving one's application.

18. Also get berated by QT supervisor for wasting half an hour of earlier representative's time by not telling her that one's Qld licence was stolen. Advise supervisor that earlier representative was told of stolen licence, hence why EOI requirements were being discussed!

19. Visit doctor's office to ask if a doctor can do certified copies of identity documents for abovementioned QT application, as QT advised doctors could do so. Receive very confused response and decide that is not a good option.

20. Phone RCMP (police) service centre to ask if someone there can do certified copies of identity documents for abovementioned QT application, as QT advised police could do so. After a 13 minute phone call, receive advice that a Notary Public is who does this in Canada.

21. Go to a Notary Public and get passport, Medicare card and bank card certified as genuine copies of the original. Pay $30.

22. Get contact in Australia to go to Queensland Transport and pay for Release of Information request in advance of application being faxed. Pay $19.30.

23. Complete Release of Information form requesting Driver Licence Details.

24. Type letter outlining specific information above document must contain, plus request to fax document directly to ICBC.

25. Fax ROI form, letter, and three certified copies of ID documents to Queensland Transport.

26. Wait a few days.

27. Phone ICBC to see whether fax has been received. Yes!

28. Return to ICBC to finally obtain BC licence. Discover that time remaining on Canadian work permit is now 9 days less than the required 6 months!

29. Receive "interim licence", which is a piece of carbon paper rather than an actual card with photo etc. Answer a few verbal questions on BC driving rules and undergo a vision test. Pay $31 for a 2-year licence; however, learn that one must visit ICBC every 2 months to obtain a new interim licence until one can present a work permit with more than 6 months left on it.

30. Be thankful it wasn't complicated!

How to end up with five Kiwi dinner guests you've never met before - in 8 simple steps

1. Have mutual friends (Megan and Justin) provide you and Guests 1 and 2 (Kelvin and Cynthia, from NZ; Kelvin is Justin's brother) with each others' contact details.

2. Make arrangements via email with Guests 1 and 2 for them to come and stay while passing through Vancouver.

3. Recall that another recently-met friend (Ruth from Gabriola Island weekend) mentioned having met Guests 1 and 2 in Vietnam 2.5 years ago. Invite her to dinner.

4. Receive phone call from friend saying that she will not be able to make it in time for dinner, but will pop in later. However, she has another friend (Lois, NZ-born local) who also met Guests 1 and 2 in Vietnam. Ask friend (Ruth) to extend invitation to her friend (Lois).

5. Receive phone call from friend of friend (Lois) accepting invitation, and mentioning that she has another couple (Eldon and Lauren, from NZ) boarding with her, and that they would also like to catch up with Guests 1 and 2 (Kelvin and Cynthia) at some stage. Ask friend of friend (Lois) to extend invitation to her boarders (Eldon and Lauren). Also learn at this stage that friend of friend (Lois) and her boarders (Eldon and Lauren) were all at recent Downunder BBQ, so despite complete non-recollection of this until they arrived in person for dinner, have in fact technically "met" them before, despite title of this blog post.

6. Receive phone call from friend of friend's boarders (Eldon and Lauren) accepting invitation.

7. Welcome five guests at various times leading up to dinner - Kelvin and Cynthia, then Eldon and Lauren, then Lois. Chat. Eat dinner. Chat. Eat dessert. Chat. Laugh. Enjoy company of new friends. Take photos. Lois leaves. Ruth arrives. Chat. Laugh. Take photos. All but Kelvin and Cynthia leave. Kelvin and Cynthia stay two nights and their company is throroughly enjoyed!

8. Ponder fantastically wonderful opportunity of meeting and making friends in this manner!!!!!

Our Kiwi dinner party, L-R: Lois, Cynthia, Kelvin, Eldon, Lauren, and Ben...



(Note inclusion of Kiwi fruit in dessert options - purchased before we even knew about the dinner party!)

Awesome!

Viva Las Vegas, Post 3: Taken Hostage

In order to obtain the cheap Cirque du Soleil "KA" tickets we had paid for at the Excalibur the night before, on Saturday morning we had to go to the new Grandview Resort in Vegas and be shown around with a group of other tourists whilst being fed breakfast. That morning Ben went back to the airport to collect our hire car for the next two days, so we declined the offer of a shuttle bus pick-up and elected to drive ourselves to the resort for our 10:30am appointment.

We understood the aim of the promotion was to encourage us to stay there the next time we were in Vegas, or perhaps recommend it to friends. That's what Natasha led us to believe, anyway. This is what actually transpired - and, just for fun, I'll tell it from the perspective of our dear host, the Grandview Resort...

1. (Friday afternoon) Lure young couple (subsequently referred to as "hostages") into agreeing to a breakfast tour of the Grandview Resort by selling them cheap tickets to KA (which they will only be given after the tour). Promise them that they can get tickets for the later performance of KA (9:30pm instead of 7pm) - crucial to their acceptance of the deal as they had already pre-booked tickets to The Lion King at 4pm the same day.

2. When asked whether there will be other people there, assure them that hundreds of people are being taken through the hotel each day (this is an exceptionally good example of the avoidance technique disguised as a technically true answer). When asked how long it will take, tell them 2 hours and that this is an overstatement as that way they will be pleased when it most likely takes less time than that.

3. (Saturday morning) Welcome the hostages to the Grandview Resort and sit them in a waiting area with about 20 other people. While they wait, get them to fill out forms providing information such as their personal information and income range.



4. As they fill out the forms, have various well-dressed sales reps go up and introduce themselves to the surrounding couples, each sales rep then leading their assigned couple out of sight. Allow the realisation to gradually dawn on the hostages that they will not be on a group tour, but will actually have their own individual sales rep all to themselves.

5. Introduce to the hostages to their sales rep, a middle aged lady of a very friendly and chatty nature, who was once a teacher and doesn't seem like a scary high-pressure salesperson at all (and indeed wasn't, thankfully).

6. Take the hostages around the corner and let them help themselves to the breakfast/brunch buffet of sandwiches, donuts, pastries, juice and coffee. Take them and their loaded plates into a small room nearby, in which the various groups of three (couple plus sales rep) are seated at little round tables facing a projector screen. Make small talk and give them name tags.

7. Begin the presentation by having the classy blonde woman hosting it get all the hostages to introduce themselves and say where they are from. (Australians are quite a novelty as everyone else is American.) Get them to share their favourite vacation memories.

8. Continue the presentation by having the classy blonde woman show a Powerpoint slide show whilst giving a speech about how it would make very good sense to invest "the money you already spend on vacations" into "something you would actually own".

9. Allow the realisation to dawn on the hostages (probably only the Australian ones; surely the Americans were less gullible due to greater familiarity with this sales technique and the product) that this is NOT a nice low-key tour of a hotel they'd like the hostages to stay at sometime in the future if they so desire. It is actually an attempt to sell the hostages a timeshare. (Look it up now if you're not sure what it is.) Yes, they are trying to SELL (in the most literal sense) the resort to the hostages.

10. Assure the hostages that this company does not believe in hard sell techniques. Assure them that the company is only aiming to present the logical truth: that the thousands of dollars the hostages have already mentally committed to spending on vacations over the next decades could instead be spent on having a portion of the ownership rights of a timeshare apartment. They can thus have an investment that keeps on giving and can even be gifted to descendants in a will, instead of just throwing money down the drain on holiday accommodation year after year.

11. Conclude the presentation by having the classy blonde woman tell a heart-warming story of how her mother, suffering from cancer, was practically brought back to life by a wonderful family holiday. She is still alive today because of it. Impress upon the hostages in a trembling voice that it is these moments, these precious times with family, that are what life is all about. Leave the hostages with the clear impression that these times are impossible to have unless they own a timeshare.

12. Have the individual sales rep take their hostages on a tour of the hotel. Point out aerial photos showing the incredible growth of Las Vegas over the last few decades. Show them the pool and gym. Take them through a timeshare apartment that is - wouldn't they agree? - incredibly stylish and appealing. (It really was very nice.)



13. Take them to another buffet before sitting down to discuss business. Ask about the vacations they are planning to take next year, and use this information to calculate their lifetime vacation expenditure. If the hostages' style of travel is at odds with the timeshare target market's norm, blatantly skew the information to get the highest vacation expenditure possible. For example, estimate a visit to the Galapagos Islands at $3000 for a week and, added to other vaguely potential trips with more reasonable costs, multiply this by the amount of years they could have ahead of them to take vacations (50?) to get an unbelievably warped lifetime vacation expenditure figure to scare the hostages with.

14. For the first time, mention the price of a timeshare. (We can't remember the exact amount, but it was over USD $40000 for a 2 week timeshare, with a special "just for today" of about $37000 with a bonus 4 weeks thrown in. Paid in installments with interest, the total came to a great deal more. Added to this would be the annual maintenance fee of over $700, plus a fee of more than $200 every time we wanted to swap the Vegas timeshare for a vacation in a different location.)

15. After giving the hostages some time alone to discuss this (during which they debated the politest way to say that this style of vacation, and the expense committment that accompanies it, is completely incompatible with their current lifestyle), have the sales rep return to the table and attempt, in a fairly mild and conversational manner, to encourage them to change their mind.

16. Once this seems unlikely, bring a middle-aged male sales rep over to the table who uses slightly more pressure to endeavour to make a sale. After a discussion regarding the amount the monthly payments plus interest add up to, and use of a calculator by a hostage to prove his point, have the male sales rep drop the price to $17000 for one side of the timeshare apartment (it's like a duplex). After further discussion, during which the hostages try to make their disinterest clear so they can get their KA tickets and leave, have the male sales rep drop the price to about $12000 for one side of the timeshare and 2 weeks per year.

17. After what seems like a very long time to the hostages, allow the sales reps to concede that there is nothing that can be done to make them realise what an incredible, life-enhancing opportunity they are walking away from, and show them to stage 1 of the leaving process.

18. Have them met by a European-accented lady who fills out a customer satisfaction survey to record what the hostages thought of the first and second sales reps. Ask the hostages what was the final price they were offered. Upon hearing $12000, offer them the same deal for $4995. (Yes, seriously. Doing this will definitely make them respect your company for being prepared to sell it to them for 10 times that amount.) Sadly escort them to stage 2 of the leaving process when they still insist on declining this amazing deal.

19. Let them wait ages to see the gifting agent to get their KA tickets at stage 2 of the leaving process. They are no longer potential-profit-on-legs, so who cares?

20. Take them into the gifting agent's office to finally get their hard-earned KA tickets. Then break the news to them that the 9:30pm show is already sold out. Sorry, but they'll have to go to the 7pm show. (Refer to point 1 to see why this was not the preferred scenario.)

21. Give them their tickets and... Let... Them... Leave!!!!

22. As they drive off, be sure they are calculating that they just spent 4 hours of their precious vacation on this delightful interlude. Yes, 4 hours instead of 2 hours, an individualised sales ambush instead of a relaxing group tour, a timeshare hard sell instead of a hotel promotion brunch, and their afternoon drive to Red Rock Canyon cancelled due to lack of time.

23. And despite all of that, dear Grandview Resort, know this: we were glad of the opportunity to see a timeshare hard sell in action. It was the funniest experience of our trip. We appreciate the time, food, and human resources you invested in giving us this excellent storytelling fodder without extracting a single cent from us. Thank you for the memory.

The rest of the day went by in a blur of mad rushing about and magnificent theatre experiences. The Lion King, which we saw at Mandalay Bay, was excellent. Friends have been recommending this to us for a couple of years now, and it was definitely very well done. However, we both preferred KA, which we saw at the MGM Grand (and which we missed the first few minutes of, due to the aforementioned mad rushing about to get from TLK to KA in the half hour between them).



I don't know how to describe KA. Think of a show with a massive moving stage (it could go from horizontal to vertical to anywhere in between), almost no dialogue, costumed performers doing unbelievably cool stunts (including aerial and rope work), a brief interlude of the best hand shadow puppetry we've ever seen, fire and fireworks, and some kind of storyline that was much better explained when we read the programme in the shop afterwards. :) It's more about stunts, mood and visual impact than about the storyline - and it certainly blew us away. Click here to see a preview video on the KA website. It's impossible to describe in words, but mind-blowingly awesome and totally recommended!

That night we had dinner at a cafe overlooking the canal inside the Venetian. The Venetian was one of our favourite two hotels/casinos on the Strip (the other was the Bellagio). Its shopping arcade has a fake sky, Italian architecture, and a canal with gondolas...







Ahh, Venice - I mean, Vegas! The thing about Vegas is that you go there knowing that the whole place is manufactured, commercialised, touristy, and oozing money. You don't go there expecting an "off the beaten track" travel experience. It is what it is, and it does a very good job of it. Hence, despite being very different to our usual type of holiday, we absolutely loved it!

To be continued...

Photo album links:
Album overview page
Slideshow starting from Saturday

Final Europe trip, Post 9: How to get out of a carpark in Paris in 48 simple steps...

It’s been a long time since I’ve done a “simple steps” post, but I thought it was appropriate for this particular story: the long awaited (for some) carpark saga!

Step 1: From the Arc de Triomphe, take last metro of the night back to where car is parked at La Défense. Note time is 1am.

Step 2: Arrive at La Défense and set off to find entrance of shopping centre that leads to underground carpark.

Step 3: Notice presence of construction workers and work in progress around outside of shopping centre under which car is parked.

Step 4: Notice lack of construction works around every other shopping centre in the enormous shopping precinct that is La Défense.

Step 5: Arrive at entrance of shopping centre and observe door is firmly locked.

Step 6: Calmly decide to locate another carpark entrance that doesn’t require shopping centre access first.

Step 7: Walk around shopping centre to next carpark ramp. Observe large metal grille preventing entry by human-sized objects.

Step 8: Repeat Step 7.

Step 9: Repeat Step 8.

Step 10: Repeat Step 9.

Step 11: Notice all other shopping centres in area – those without construction works – have 24 hour carparks that appear open and welcoming. Feel slightly alarmed.

Step 12: Retrace steps and spot several taxi drivers chatting together beside their cars. Show carpark ticket to taxi drivers and try to explain dilemma.

Step 13: Receive instruction from one taxi driver, who can speak basic English, to take ticket to a nearby booth.

Step 14: Hesitate because booth is pitch dark.

Step 15: Get taken over to booth by exasperated taxi driver, who raps sharply on booth window. Observe sudden appearance of light and newly-awakened booth attendant. Taxi driver walks off.

Step 16: Show carpark ticket to booth attendant, who doesn’t know any English but says “sécurité” and motions back towards the shopping centre.

Step 17: Approach shopping centre entrance and see two security guards doing their rounds inside. Reach door too late to catch their attention as they have already disappeared through a side door. Knock uselessly on entrance door for a while.

Step 18: Confer with fellow travellers as to best course of action.

Step 19: Search unsuccessfully for security office.

Step 20: Decide to go back to taxi drivers.

Step 21: Tell taxi drivers that booth attendant said to go to security. Ask where security is. Taxi drivers point to booth and say: “he IS security”!!!

Step 22: Hmm.

Step 23: Decide to look for road entrance through which car entered carpark 16 hours earlier.

Step 24: Find entrance. Observe large metal grille preventing weary travellers from reaching poor car.

Step 25: Spot A4 sign at entrance containing French text and a phone number. Call number.

Step 26: Talk on phone to person who can speak English and says to ring intercom button beside grille.

Step 27: Ring intercom button.

Step 28: Repeat Step 27.

Step 29: Repeat Step 28.

Step 30: Eventually hear French words come from speaker. (Later suspect this is Snoozy Snoozerson from aforementioned booth.)

Step 31: Ask: “Parlez-vous anglais?” (Do you speak English?) Receive reply: “Non”.

Step 32: Hmm.

Step 33: Recite name of carpark (CNIT) into intercom. Try to say “entrance 4” with French accent in case their word for “entrance” sounds similar, and using French word for “four” as found in Lonely Planet phrasebook. Try speaking German in hope of establishing a common language. Receive instructions (or perhaps are told where to go…?) in French. Say repeatedly “Je ne comprends pas” (I don’t understand).

Step 34: Wait awhile in hope of having carpark attendant arrive to open grille. Realise this is not going to happen.

Step 36: Open Lonely Planet phrasebook to “Emergencies” section.

Step 37: Discover Lonely Planet editors have omitted vital phrase of “My car is locked in the carpark”.

Step 38: Settle instead for French word for “help”, and memorise phonetic pronounciation of it: “oh skoor”. (Later realise French spelling is “au secours” and may have thus been meant to sound much gentler than our rendition of it did.)

Step 39: Ring intercom again.

Step 40: Recite into intercom: “oh skoor! oh skoor!” Receive reply in French. Respond with “Je ne comprends pas”. Continue this informative conversation in like manner.

Step 41: Realise literal translation of conversation is “Help! Help! I don’t understand… Help! Help! I don’t understand…”

Step 42: All three girls laugh hysterically as a result of above realisation, general bizarreness of situation, and it now being after 2am after a very big day in Paris. Realise hysterical laughter now means intercom person thinks he is dealing with drunk tourists playing a prank and so he will never help us now...

Step 43: Girls decide to go up to shopping centre entrance and ring Hilton intercom, as Hilton carpark is also under same shopping centre. Boys decide to stay put in case someone arrives to open grille.

Step 44: Girls ring Hilton intercom. Clerk answers in a French accent, “do you have a reservation?” Slow-thinking self asks “Parlez-vous anglais?” (Do you speak English?) Hilton clerk responds with “I said… do you have a reservation?”

Step 45: Oh. Durrr.

Step 46: Carry on discussion with very helpful Hilton clerk as to what to say in French into intercom at carpark entrance in order to obtain access to car.

Step 47: During conversation with Hilton clerk, receive phone call from boys, who explain they are currently driving out of carpark in dear sweet wonderful car!!!!!

Step 48: Get collected by boys and hear explanation of how car was found… It involves a search for a tree further up the street resulting in the discovery of an open carpark entrance around the next corner… It also involves walking through the pitch dark carpark entrance by mobile phone light, until entering the main carpark area and having a giant Alsation suddenly bear down upon them with much bwooofing and galumphing… And a thankfully quick-waking security guard who called off his dog, looked at the carpark ticket and waved the boys through… Whereupon they quickly located the car, paid the normal day rate carpark fee, collected us, and finally set off on the hour-long journey back to the B&B.

And so, we arrived home at 3:30am on Wednesday morning… only to discover… we had been locked out………

Europe, Post 10: How to be ridiculously forgetful in 14 simple steps

Phase I (husband)

1. Leave camera charger behind in England.

2. Spend half a day looking for a new one in Brussels, Belgium. Eventually find one.

Phase II (wife)

3. Take wedding ring off to moisturise hands shortly before checking out of guesthouse in Liechtenstein. Merrily check out of guesthouse, leaving ring sitting on wooden foot of bed. To be truly ridiculously forgetful rather than just forgetful, ensure it is a particularly inconvenient guesthouse to return to – i.e. one that can only be reached by a 600m trek up the side of an icy, snow-covered mountain.

4. Realise ring has been forgotten only after driving 8 km down the mountain.

5. Call guesthouse. Communicate location of forgotten ring to lovely English-speaking lady host, who has already anticipated that the call is about a forgotten item before being told.

6. Return to foot of toboggan run. Find minimal-English-speaking husband of host loading up snowmobile trailer with toboggans. Communicate nature of forgotten item by pointing at naked ring finger. Secretly hope one can hitch-hike up the mountain on the snowmobile, retrieve ring, and travel back down on a toboggan.

7. Call guesthouse again and receive joyfully the news that the ring has been located.

8. Endeavour to give phone to husband of host so that his wife can explain the situation. Experience extreme difficulty doing so. Discovering that amateur German-speaking ability disappears when needed most, try explaining via English and gestures to minimal-English-speaking husband of host that one does not need to borrow his phone, nor be given the phone number of the guesthouse. One simply wants him to hold the phone to his ear and say hello. Eventually realise one does know a relevant basic German sentence, “sie sprechen mit ihr Frau”, and this does the trick instantly!

9. Husband of host communicates that he will go up the mountain on his snowmobile with its trailer load of toboggans, collect the ring, and bring it back with him in 20 minutes when he comes down to get the next load.

10. Experience joyful reunion with ring.

Phase III (husband)

11. Leave mobile phone behind in Munich, Germany. To be truly ridiculously forgetful rather than just forgetful, ensure it is left in the only room on the entire trip that was shared with six (or indeed any) backpackers.

12. Leave Munich, drive out of Germany into Liechtenstein, spend day and night in Liechtenstein, leave Liechtenstein (all of Phase II occurs here), drive back into Germany to Tennenbronn in the Black Forest, check into guesthouse, relax, wander the streets, eat tea, make a beeswax candle, etc etc.

13. Ensure wife feels guilty about Phase II.

14. Only then, notice absence of mobile phone...

How to have a great day out with friends in Crawley in 8 simple steps

Step 1: Become Facebook friends with person one has never met, after verifying with another friend in Australia that unmet friend is very fun and is an Aussie living in Switzerland. Establish with unmet friend, via Facebook, that unmet friend is coming to England the very next weekend, is staying Friday night with mutual friends Trev and Sharon who live nearby, and would like to meet up on Saturday! Invite unmet friend to join existing plan of showing Len and Theresa around Crawley on Saturday.

Step 2: On Saturday morning, collect unmet (but now met) friend, Rachael, from Trev and Sharon's place after they have already gone to work. Assume she is actually unmet friend rather than a random burglar in their house. Become acquainted whilst driving to Hove (behind schedule) to collect Len and Theresa.

Step 3: Realise en route that one has left one's phone at home and no one else has Len and Theresa's number. Also realise once on their street that one has no idea of their flat number, and only a vague memory of seeing Theresa disappear into one of the many doorways to choose from after dropping her home one night. Park in middle of street due to no free parking spaces. Beep horn. Check for familiar faces peering from behind curtains in one of the many flat windows in the three stories of connecting apartment buildings stretching as far as the eye can see. Start ringing doorbells with slight feeling of trepidation about doing so. Experience great relief as one sees Len and Theresa walking up the street, Starbucks coffee in hand! Discontinue doorbell ringing and scramble around back seat of car trying to find centre seatbelt. Find previous back seat sitter's chewing gum. Find seatbelt. Get all five occupants of car safely belted in, then drrrrrrive back to Crawley!

Step 4: Find markets on High Street. Browse stalls. Listen to vendors sing and shout about bananas. Eat strawberries.

Step 5: Find shops. Shop shop shop!

Step 5 and a half, for Rachael only: Witness enormous protest march pour into and then out of the town square – hundreds of marching people waving signs about a whole conglomerate of issues, police in attendance and all – whilst waiting outside a shop that the rest of the group is inside. Once the rest of the group meanders back outside, not having seen/heard a thing, try to convince them that this actually happened.

Step 6: Talk to a balloon man.

Step 7: Discover an absolutely fantastic Chinese restaurant, share a variety of interesting and superbly tasty dishes, and emerge some time later feeling very contented.

Step 8: Take group back to flat. Hang out. Drop Rachael at train station in time to board train to London. Have tea at flat with Len and Theresa, teach them Rook (which they are impressively good at due to having played similar games at home), then drive them back to Hove at the end of a VERY enjoyable day.

How technology addicts order Friday night takeaway in 6 (or 7) simple steps

Latest addition to the “simple steps” series!...

Step 1: Discuss with spouse that takeaway sounds like a good idea (verbally, not via instant messaging – even we aren't that sad!). Decide on Indian food.

Step 2: Google “indian restaurant crawley” and find a restaurant one recalls seeing in real life: http://www.tajmahalcrawley.co.uk/index.php. Peruse takeaway menu on website.

Step 3: Choose dishes by looking up unfamiliar words on Google – eg. bhuna, do piyaza, madras, keema and peshwari. Browse resulting recipe websites to gain idea of ingredients and deliciousness potential. Simultaneously expand knowledge of Indian cuisine.

Step 4: Decide on lamb madras curry, garlic chilli chicken, and plain naan. Phone restaurant and place order for pick-up.

Step 5: Use http://www.multimap.com/ to view route map from home to restaurant. Ascertain it is only 1.06 miles away.

Step 6: Plug address into GPS and drive to restaurant following TomTom's directions. Then tuck in to a scrumptious Indian meal!!

*Optional* Step 7: Post details and photos of meal to blog! :D

How to erect a marquee in 6 simple steps

Step 1: Carry marquee bits to assembly area. If only steps 7 and 8 of written instructions can be found, begin assembly process in an optimistic frame of mind. Don't bother waiting for owner of marquee to arrive home from work – he has never set it up himself anyway.

Step 2: Stick metal things into other metal things. When finished, work way around marquee frame, sticking in metal things that popped out when metal things on opposite side were connected. Wonder why one finds oneself doing this repeatedly. Are they all popping out again because there are different lengths of metal bits and no consideration was given to this during the assembly process?

Step 3: Ponder situation in a manly manner. Wives use husbands' manly consideration time to complete many other important tasks.

Step 4: Once all metal bits have been hounded into submission, quickly pull billowing canvas roof over marquee frame, using four people as anchors to prevent spontaneous hang gliding incident. Wonder why canvas roof does not quite reach both ends of marquee at same time. Raise suggestion that canvas may have shrunk. Make it the correct size by sheer stubbornness. Obtain “Madonna” element of roof design by placing screaming wives on amused husbands' shoulders in order to reach height required to place protective plastic knobs on top of metal rod holding up roof peaks. Assemble and secure canvas walls of marquee.

Step 5: Celebrate successful marquee erecting endeavour by eating a delicious dinner under it.

Step 6: Two days later, attend a lovely garden party under the marquee, making it all worthwhile!