How to erect a marquee in 6 simple steps

Step 1: Carry marquee bits to assembly area. If only steps 7 and 8 of written instructions can be found, begin assembly process in an optimistic frame of mind. Don't bother waiting for owner of marquee to arrive home from work – he has never set it up himself anyway.

Step 2: Stick metal things into other metal things. When finished, work way around marquee frame, sticking in metal things that popped out when metal things on opposite side were connected. Wonder why one finds oneself doing this repeatedly. Are they all popping out again because there are different lengths of metal bits and no consideration was given to this during the assembly process?

Step 3: Ponder situation in a manly manner. Wives use husbands' manly consideration time to complete many other important tasks.

Step 4: Once all metal bits have been hounded into submission, quickly pull billowing canvas roof over marquee frame, using four people as anchors to prevent spontaneous hang gliding incident. Wonder why canvas roof does not quite reach both ends of marquee at same time. Raise suggestion that canvas may have shrunk. Make it the correct size by sheer stubbornness. Obtain “Madonna” element of roof design by placing screaming wives on amused husbands' shoulders in order to reach height required to place protective plastic knobs on top of metal rod holding up roof peaks. Assemble and secure canvas walls of marquee.

Step 5: Celebrate successful marquee erecting endeavour by eating a delicious dinner under it.

Step 6: Two days later, attend a lovely garden party under the marquee, making it all worthwhile!