How to have a great day out with friends in Crawley in 8 simple steps

Step 1: Become Facebook friends with person one has never met, after verifying with another friend in Australia that unmet friend is very fun and is an Aussie living in Switzerland. Establish with unmet friend, via Facebook, that unmet friend is coming to England the very next weekend, is staying Friday night with mutual friends Trev and Sharon who live nearby, and would like to meet up on Saturday! Invite unmet friend to join existing plan of showing Len and Theresa around Crawley on Saturday.

Step 2: On Saturday morning, collect unmet (but now met) friend, Rachael, from Trev and Sharon's place after they have already gone to work. Assume she is actually unmet friend rather than a random burglar in their house. Become acquainted whilst driving to Hove (behind schedule) to collect Len and Theresa.

Step 3: Realise en route that one has left one's phone at home and no one else has Len and Theresa's number. Also realise once on their street that one has no idea of their flat number, and only a vague memory of seeing Theresa disappear into one of the many doorways to choose from after dropping her home one night. Park in middle of street due to no free parking spaces. Beep horn. Check for familiar faces peering from behind curtains in one of the many flat windows in the three stories of connecting apartment buildings stretching as far as the eye can see. Start ringing doorbells with slight feeling of trepidation about doing so. Experience great relief as one sees Len and Theresa walking up the street, Starbucks coffee in hand! Discontinue doorbell ringing and scramble around back seat of car trying to find centre seatbelt. Find previous back seat sitter's chewing gum. Find seatbelt. Get all five occupants of car safely belted in, then drrrrrrive back to Crawley!

Step 4: Find markets on High Street. Browse stalls. Listen to vendors sing and shout about bananas. Eat strawberries.

Step 5: Find shops. Shop shop shop!

Step 5 and a half, for Rachael only: Witness enormous protest march pour into and then out of the town square – hundreds of marching people waving signs about a whole conglomerate of issues, police in attendance and all – whilst waiting outside a shop that the rest of the group is inside. Once the rest of the group meanders back outside, not having seen/heard a thing, try to convince them that this actually happened.

Step 6: Talk to a balloon man.

Step 7: Discover an absolutely fantastic Chinese restaurant, share a variety of interesting and superbly tasty dishes, and emerge some time later feeling very contented.

Step 8: Take group back to flat. Hang out. Drop Rachael at train station in time to board train to London. Have tea at flat with Len and Theresa, teach them Rook (which they are impressively good at due to having played similar games at home), then drive them back to Hove at the end of a VERY enjoyable day.